Who Decides Your Worth? The Power of Perception in Popularity and Self-Worth
The Classroom Revelation
The air was stale, and my high school teacher was droning on and on with a dreadfully boring History lecture. I felt uncomfortable sitting on the hard chair, and glanced up at the clock to see how much longer before I could break away from this and move on to my next class. Naturally, my mind began to wander.
My eyes were drawn to a boy across the room who was very unpopular, we’ll call him Brian. I had recently moved to this town, and I didn’t know very many people yet. I didn’t know anything about him, but had just noticed that he smelled funny, wore dirty, unfashionable clothes, and kept to himself. As an adult, I now wonder if his family was having financial problems or was homeless, but as a teenager, I was clueless and ignorant.
I wondered who decided that Brian should be unpopular and undesirable, while another boy, Jeff, was deemed popular...a hunk...the one every girl wanted. I tried to imagine that Brian was a popular boy, like a scruffy surfer dude that just rolled in off the beach. As I contemplated this, I realized he was actually pretty handsome.
If that day had been my first day at this school and someone pointed Brian out to me as the most sought-after guy in school, I’d probably have believed them. If his body language and actions radiated confidence and the rest of the kids treated him with dignity, honor, and respect, wouldn’t my perception have shifted?
Our opinions are often not really our own
I realized that our opinions can be determined or highly influenced by what others TELL us is true. Whether a person is perceived as handsome and desirable or yucky and undesirable has nothing to do with how they actually look, how talented they are, or what their personality is like. Amazing.
From an early age, we are influenced by societal cues about who holds value and who does not. What we perceive as our own opinions are frequently merely reflections of what others tell us (and teach us) to believe.
I wish I’d better understood this concept when I was much younger-- that I was NOT who people said I was, and I didn’t have to FEEL the way some people made me feel. I wasted much of my life feeling depressed, sorry for myself, like a victim, like I was damaged beyond repair.
I didn’t feel GOOD ENOUGH. Not pretty enough or dressed well enough to be popular, I didn’t feel SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH to feel like my presence mattered in the world. I felt like a shadow in the background of the scene, not really part of the world. Can you relate?
Popularity Wasn’t Worth It
It was very difficult for me to make friends. When I did manage to find a friend, I often only had one real friend and not a group of friends. And I moved about every 2 years of my childhood, so I was constantly losing my friends and having to start all over at a new school where I knew nobody. This was pre-social media– there wasn’t really an effective way to stay in touch after moving away.
I attended three different high schools, isn’t that nuts? Despite often being the outcast loner, twice in high school I got to experience the unexpected phenomenon of being the “popular new kid.” It seemed like everybody wanted to be friends with me, and it was exhilarating at first. But I quickly learned that popularity often comes with conditions.
We moved to a new town the summer before high school. As a freshman, I was In! I was in the “in” crowd! They liked me! They wanted to be friends with me! But, sadly (actually thankfully) that didn’t last.
A group of us “popular” teens were at someone’s house without any parental supervision. We were supposed to be building a float for the homecoming parade. Out of nowhere, 2 boys approached me with unwelcome advances. "Let’s go out to the field," they said.
Even as a young teen this creeped me out and I recognized the danger I was in. I knew better. I firmly turned them down and got the hell out of there.
That experience gave me a wake-up call as to what “popular” actually means sometimes. I stopped hanging out with the popular crowd immediately. I was uncomfortable with these people. They seemed fake.
Shortly after, they decided to turn 360 on me and decided I was a great person to bully. I was “out” of the in-crowd and was now terrorized a few times after school by a group of teens.
And it Happened AGAIN
Later in Freshman year, I moved to another town, started at another new school, and again was quickly sucked into the “in crowd.” They thought I was cool. They were vying for my attention. They all wanted to talk with me and hang out with me.
But there was a problem. I didn’t know that you couldn’t be friends with whoever you wanted to be friends with if you were popular. There was a very smart, unpopular girl in my English class. In the sad, flawed high school classification system, she was a “nerd.” We were doing a project together, so of course I was talking with her in the crowded hallways between classes. I remember someone sneering at me (in front of this girl) “Uh, why are you talking to her?”
Within a week, my popularity vanished. The popular kids turned their backs on me and pretended they forgot who I was. Turns out, popularity has absolutely nothing to do with friendship— it’s all about exclusion, control, and perceptions.
This second fall from popularity wasn’t as devastating, and luckily I wasn’t bullied. And I did manage to make a few good, REAL friends at this school. I attended this school for roughly 3 years– the longest I’d been in the same school ever!
The Psychology Behind Social Acceptance
Why did I initially think it was a blessing to be “chosen” by these people? Why did I think they would be good friends? Why do many teenagers want to be in the “in crowd”? I don’t get it. When in life do we learn that this is desirable?
It turns out, our desire to belong is deeply ingrained within us. Psychologists call this social proof— the tendency to follow group behavior. Studies show that if peers rate someone as attractive, others are more likely to agree (Feingold, 1992). Similarly, the halo effect leads us to assume that attractive people are also smart and successful (Nisbett & Wilson, 1977).
Social rejection is actually measurably painful! Research reveals that social exclusion activates the same brain areas as physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003). No wonder the fear of being an outsider shapes so much of our adolescent experience!
Reclaiming Your Identity
Why do we let other people define who we are? Why do we give away our power and our own concept of self-worth and put on the concepts others force upon us?
Am I valuable, beautiful and desirable or just another no-name humdrum, average person? Guess what? I’m the only one who can decide that!
My turning point came when I stopped seeking validation from others. I realized that my worth wasn’t tied to whether I was "in" or "out" of any social group. I realized I had the power to define myself– and so do you!
As an ever-evolving adult, I CHOOSE to be fabulous, inspirational, and fun. I CHOOSE to be honest, genuine, and caring. I CHOOSE to be a person that I like spending time with. I also CHOOSE to only invest in authentic relationships with other people who value and respect me as I am. And I refuse to let anyone else dictate my worth.
How about you, what do you choose for yourself?
A Call to Self-Discovery
We each are the way we are TODAY because of things that happened in the past, and what our little bodies and brains “learned” about the world and how to act to stay safe. We instinctively wanted to fit in. Most of us believed the things other people told us about ourselves were true.
We are shaped by our past experiences, but we do not have to be bound by them. We are who we each CHOOSE to be.
If this was triggering for you, I encourage you to explore how EFT Tapping might be able to help release lingering emotional wounds from the past and help you find the real YOU that you want to be!
References:
Feingold, A. (1992). Good-looking people are not what we think. Psychological Bulletin, 111(2), 304-341.
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290-292.
Nisbett, R. E., & Wilson, T. D. (1977). The halo effect: Evidence for unconscious alteration of judgments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(4), 250-256.
Jennifer Robin O’Keefe serves as a friendly, relatable Wellness & Success Coach. After completing extensive personal development and coaching training with Jack Canfield, she earned the title of Certified Canfield Trainer, and is authorized to teach others "The Success Principles."
She also holds several wellness certifications including Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Tapping, Thought Field Therapy (TFT) Tapping, Reiki, and more. She continuously expands her knowledge in the fields of Qi Gong, Xien Gong, Vibration/Energy Wellness and Natural Health.
She's an active reader and researcher who loves to learn and teach. It's her great joy to teach and share what she's learned with others!
